How Much Can I Take?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… this year has been ROUGH. Not to sound like a broken record, but within six months my dog passed away, my Grandma passed away, and I got hit by a mother-fucking truck. All while holding down multiple jobs, including being a mother of a walking-talking toddler. And this week I suffered another loss that I’m not ready to discuss publicly, but let’s just say it triggers a lot of REALLY BIG EMOTIONS. If I wasn’t so strong, I’d be on the brink of a nervous breakdown. But, this isn’t going to be that kind of blog post.

Guys, I’m a survivor. I’ve been dealing with tough stuff since I was a kid. I’ve developed excellent coping mechanisms, like writing, (over)sharing with friends I trust, and organizing like a mother-fucker. I’ve survived childhood trauma, sexual abuse, shitty boyfriends, shitty bosses, and a plethora of other shitty situations. I will survive this year. I’ll probably be stronger in the end because of it. Blah, blah, blah. But, I am so fucking tired. Being a survivor of “shit” is exhausting. Especially when people still treat me as a little girl who doesn’t know anything (to be fair, I do acknowledge I have a ton of privilege and I look about 19).

So it’s not just the “surviving” part that’s exhausting— the processing, the grieving, the healing. It’s the aftermath of going through all of that, repeatedly, and still having to basically shout to be taken seriously or seen in a way I deserve. Not as a petty shit-stirrer who is overly emotional and sensitive (yes, people have actually said these words about me), but as an amazing woman who has gone through some shit and still manages to laugh daily and see the good in others.

I am so grateful (once again) to have the amazing support system that I do. The ones who do see me the way I want to be seen and remind me during these tough times that I am amazing. Sometimes I need space to heal, sometimes I need a sweet gesture, sometimes I need a gossipy night out, and sometimes I need some rage texts and emo song lyrics. I have friends and family that provide all these things. I wouldn’t be able to survive without it.

But, I’m going to take a little bit of a break for the next couple of weeks— or as much of a break a person can take with a toddler and production job. It’s time to refuel my tanks and reflect on why I’ve been tested in the way I have this past year. It’s time to remind myself how fucking strong and resilient I am, and focus on all the good things that are coming— like turning 34, finishing my 19th pilot, finishing a novel, going on a weekend girls’ getaway, seeing my best friend/god-parents to my son get married, and hopefully closing out the year on our first big family vacation. I’m sure there will be other speed-bumps and hiccups along the way, but that’s the happy ending this otherwise crappy year deserves.