Thoughts on 33
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but I’m happy to report that things are going well right now. Surprisingly well. Refreshingly well. Since going back to work, my days are filled to the brim with things to do, but I’m somehow managing it all and am feeling like the best version of myself. Albeit, the best version of myself that also feels like I’m never giving enough to my son, husband, work, family, friends, myself, etc. But, that’s okay— everyone is alive and so far, and I haven’t screwed up anything too badly (work-wise or baby-wise)
Some amazing things have resulted in having jam-packed days— things I have wanted to work on for years. It’s so much easier to let go of little things because I don’t have time to worry about the little things now. My brain rarely gets stuck in the useless mind loop of "am I doing everything perfectly”, because perfection no longer matters— just getting things done as best I can, does. And I don’t spend energy worrying about what other people have that I don’t (houses, careers, cars) because at the end of the day, I have my amazing son and that is worth more to me than anything else.
I’m also getting comfortable with boundaries—something that has taken a lot of practice and patience, two things that are definitely not my strong suit. But, it aids in being able to let go of those little things and maximize the time I do have. I’m not getting caught up in unnecessary drama because there’s no time for it. And my husband and I are communicating better than ever because we’d rather spend quality time with each other than arguing about whose turn it is to the dishes. He even made dinner, did the dishes, and folded clothes last night while I nursed Jack. Normally, I’d berate myself for not doing the chores, but I was able to enjoy the quality time with my son.
Another part of establishing these boundaries and letting go of my perfectionism means I’m not feeling the pressure to keep up with the blog as often. At first, I felt like I was letting everyone down, but most of all, myself. But, I remembered part of the reason I started writing this blog was to make sense of the challenges I was going through— not establish myself as a blogger. I miss the structure of having something to work on every week, but I enjoy being more present at work better. Self-imposed pressure is not motivating anymore. Letting go of feeling the need to do it all is incredibly freeing and incredibly powerful.
They say “33” is your Jesus year because this is the age he died and was able to accomplish as much as he did beforehand. In that regard, it’s kind of amazing that I feel both whole and light as I enter that age. Are there still things I want to accomplish? Of course. I do still want a writing career, and a house of my own, and to not feel in a constant state of worry about weight and finances. But, I’m also quite content with where I am. If I never get that elusive bump up to staff writer (which, for the record would suck, if only for the amount of time and effort I’ve put into working toward that goal), I’m still happy with the work I am doing right now—and my own personal writing projects. If my husband and I are never able to afford a house, we have a lovely home and it wouldn’t matter where we were, as long as all of us (present and future children included) were together. There are things I still aspire to do, but there’s not much I still aspire to be. And what a perfect way to start 33. (I didn’t mean to rhyme, but the bit of perfectionist that still lives inside me is quite happy that it happened!)