I haven’t had time to post in awhile, and that’s because life has been pretty well… crazy lately.
It’s amazing to watch my son grow in little ways every day (and in big ways cumulatively), but that growth demands more attention and just… more. Being a parent is a lot like walking a tightrope. Just when you think you’re finally getting the hang of it, a new challenge comes along to completely throw off your balance. It’s equal parts scary and exciting. But, perhaps the most challenging aspect is you can’t let your child see you stressed (or at least I try not to). So, after he goes to bed, in the few moments I have to myself when I’m not working or socializing or connecting with my husband, that stress comes out in bursts and it can be overwhelming at times. It's a little akin to being a superhero, except I'm wearing my cape during the day and instead of fighting crime, I'm being a mom and assistant, only to take off said cape at night and completely crumble.
And being a working mom is plenty stressful. I continue to feel like I never have enough time for anything. I’m constantly having to sacrifice so much— being there for my son, giving my all to my work, being there for friends, and my husband, and my own creative pursuits— it’s exhausting. And for a perfectionist, it can be downright disheartening at times. But, I am trying. And I haven’t been fired, or haven't done anything to really screw up my son yet, so I’m trying to consider that a success. I find myself repeating the mantra, “just because I’m not advancing, doesn’t mean I’m failing” constantly.
But, a bright spot is planning a staged reading of the play I wrote last year that somehow made it into the semi-finals for the O’Neill National Playwrights Conference. The play is about my first pregnancy, and I wrote it because it was my way of dealing with the grief I was experiencing at the time. I never intended it to be anything other than my own cathartic release, so to have it so well received is both startling and wonderful. I’m producing the reading with a dear friend of mine who has been an advocate of the play since he read it a year and a half ago. And like all the greatest things I’ve done in my life, I’m approaching this latest venture with equal parts elation and fear. It’s scary to present your work to the world. It’s humbling to do something very out of your comfort zone. And it’s terrifying and wonderful that it’s perhaps the most raw and honest thing I’ve ever written.
Maybe I’ll look back on this time and laugh thinking it cute that I was so stressed, or maybe I’ll be able to celebrate what will finally feel like a success at managing so much during my son’s first year. Or maybe it will just seem like a blip. Only time will tell.