Battling the Myth of Not Being Good Enough
I haven’t blogged in awhile. Understandably, there’s been a lot going on (divorce, pandemic, working single mom struggles, anxiety disorders, and all the other stuff that comes from living in these unprecedented times). It was easy and necessary to retreat; to convince myself I didn’t have anything worth saying that people would want to listen to. This was a time for reflection, listening, and figuring out what life looks like. But here’s the thing: it’s been two years and I still haven’t figured anything out. Maybe that’s sort of the point.
My entire life I’ve struggled with not feeling good enough. This is a common theme amongst overachieving millennials with an anxiety disorder. I got good grades, I graduated early from college, I managed to find work in the industry I wanted to work in, I never struggled in an impactful way financially, I always had lovers and friends and familial support, I had carved out a nice little life for myself. So, why was I constantly listening to the voice in my head that said I needed to achieve more, do more, be more?
Getting divorced and facing a global pandemic throws everything in disarray. The hard truth is my life is almost unrecognizable pre-2020 to now. I have fundamentally changed in ways I’m just starting to make sense of. This is not unique to me— everyone has fundamentally changed. The standards we held ourselves to pre-2020 just don’t exist now. Lines between work and home are blurred. There’s a conscious awareness of the injustices of the world, even if people are still reticent to admit them. Our priorities have changed, and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
An article recently came out about Hollywood turning its’ back on the maxim of “The Show Must Go On.” It was a flashy headline, for sure, but at its’ core, the issue was people are finally prioritizing their own health and needs above all else. There was a lot of discourse that came as a result, but it made me think about how I prioritize my own needs— or rather, how I don’t. As much as I want to be this take-charge boss-bitch who doesn’t give a shit what people think… I do care. A lot. It’s this impossible standard I’ve set for myself that leaves me constantly feeling like I’m not good enough, or that I’m disappointing people.
Yet, when I think about other people in my life— I don’t hold anybody to the same standards. So really, who am I not good enough for? Even now, as I’m trying to wrap up this blog post and find the smart sentence that’ll crystallize a theme and make everything make sense— there really isn’t one. There isn’t really a point to this blog post other than to say, blogging makes me happy, I stopped doing it because I didn’t see the point or its’ value, but now I’m realizing the value is in the doing. Maybe some of this will resonate with you and encourage you to do something for the sake of doing it; or maybe you’ll see this as pointless and masturbatory. But for me, it’s good enough.